Gloom

Dear 11 followers (+ not sure how many on Facebook, I still can't understand all of its workings...),

thank you so much for tuning in. Even if you don't get to read all of my ramblings, I really, really appreciate it a lot that you took the time to show some interest. Thank you for the love :)

My mum has been here for a week, my father for 4 days. I've had many thoughts about parenthood in general since they've been here. When Sosi was born I thought there could be a deeper connection to my parents, like I was finally starting to understand them. Now I am feeling so disconnected from them.

And ageing, and when does it happen that your parents suddenly become "old"? In the head I mean.

I know it's not strictly connected to age, I know it's connected to attitude and also environment. They live in a small town in northern Italy, where everyone knows everyone else and where fitting in is difficult if you're not born there or aren't related to somebody... which kinda explain why I fled when I was 21...

When you live so far away from your family of origin you tend to forget that they drive you nuts when they are with you...

So instead of the happy person most people expect I'd be as my parents visit, I have found myself down in the pit again, I've lost my appetite again and I don't think I've smiled a heck of a lot over the past few days. And this is what I wanted to write about for the next few posts: I want to write more about me. 

Because, really, even if on the surface I might appear to be a composed and balanced person, I don't really think I am. I'm good at putting on a brave face, that's for sure. So when I mention words like depression, suicidal, panic attacks, etc, I get the feeling people think I'm exaggerating. Life is good now, I am happy with where I'm at, but the head sometimes wanders back into a dark place. And I don't know if this current gloom is just circumstantial, just a passing period of "the blues", or if there's a big storm at the horizon. 

I just want to write more about me and my life and family history etc, so that if I do go through a storm, you'll all know where I'm coming from. Also because I realise that I've been blogging for months and, in my usual attempt for perfection, I've bothered writing only on days where I thought I could write a good post, and not on days when I needed to write a post. 

Hope I made some sense with this. Just writing because I need to.